Anonymous NFL Player Sues United Airlines Over Being Groped By A Pilled Up Lady On A Flight

TMZ Sports – The player — using the alias “John Doe 1” in the new lawsuit obtained by TMZ Sports — says on Feb. 10, 2020 … a woman “sexually harassed, assaulted, abused, and violated” him during a flight. The unidentified footballer says the trip — a cross-country, red-eye ride from LAX to New Jersey — was a complete nightmare … and it was all made worse by United staffers.

In the suit, the man says he took his place in a middle seat … and when a woman sat in the window seat next to him — he claims he was immediately harassed over the safety mask he was wearing.

The football player says he told her it was because of the growing coronavirus pandemic … but claims the woman hit and elbowed him and demanded he move seats nonetheless.

The man says he and his friend, identified as “John Doe 2” in the suit, observed the woman taking pills — and believed her to be under the influence.

In the suit, the NFL player claims Doe 2 got up to tell flight attendants about the woman harassing Doe 1 … but says they did nothing about it.

The NFL player claims the woman then sexually assaulted him … groping and massaging his knees and thighs. He claims Doe 2 got up again to inform flight attendants, but says they still did nothing.

In the suit, the NFLer claims the woman began to “intensify” her sexual assault, “grabbing and groping his quads and then stroking her hand across his lap towards the inside of his leg near his genitals.”

And how did United offer to settle this situation after this alleged flight from hell?

The NFL player says both he and Doe 2 were given $150 vouchers for their troubles … but they’re now suing and seeking damages for negligence, infliction of emotional distress, and more.

Nothing says “sorry about that lady hopped up on Xans and white zins nonconsensual foreplay” like a voucher worth one flight from New Jersey to La Guardia.

Now I know a lot of the Mike Gundy style “I’M A MAN” type of dudes who read this will shrug their shoulders. “She can grope me on the flight and I’d take her to the bathroom for the mile high 30 seconds of her life,” a divorced dad in a vintage Big Dog sweatshirt like the one below would joke:

But you have to think of it like this likely large football player would. He’s just trying to get on a cross country flight amidst the pandemic like any of us would be. He wears his mask like you’re supposed to. He wants a drink or a nap like any of us would without being noticed. The football player isn’t unaccustomed to attention. He’s probably a larger dude who’s no stranger to people who ask if he’s an athlete at a club. Maybe thirsty girls attempt to pull some baby daddy entrapment in a vintage Tristan Thompson situation. He doesn’t need this kind of attention and, if he wanted it, there are a million other avenues he’d be interested. Perhaps this pilled up gal isn’t his type and her slurred speech and grabby hands don’t quite make her the belle of the ball. Hell, maybe John Doe 2 in the suit is his secret lover and he’s uninterested for a wholly different set of reasons.

Whatever the case may be, this is not the sexy airline situation many would aspire to. And if the genders were reversed? Could you imagine the headlines if there were a lawsuit of a female passenger on a plane who was groped against her consent by a pilled up NFL player? That’s practically a Lifetime movie of the week or, at the very least, an unsourced entry on Jameis Winston’s Wikipedia page.

I stand with John Doe 1. Just because he and I have luscious quads that any woman would love to run her fingers over doesn’t mean that they’re community property. We’re entitled to overpriced tiny bottles of Mr. and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix without concern like the rest of you. It’s our right as Americans, along with our right to have overly dramatic handshakes that show off our throbbing musculature.

Here’s a GIF of me and John Doe 1 agreeing on the importance of men’s rights (but not in a creepy subreddit kind of way):

United Airlines photo via Wikimedia