Murder Hornets Are 2020’s Latest Attempt By The Earth To Eradicate Us All

NY Times – In his decades of beekeeping, Ted McFall had never seen anything like it.

As he pulled his truck up to check on a group of hives near Custer, Wash., in November, he could spot from the window a mess of bee carcasses on the ground. As he looked closer, he saw a pile of dead members of the colony in front of a hive and more carnage inside — thousands and thousands of bees with their heads torn from their bodies and no sign of a culprit.

Mr. McFall still is not certain that Asian giant hornets were responsible for the plunder of his hive. But two of the predatory insects were discovered last fall in the northwest corner of Washington State, a few miles north of his property — the first sightings in the United States.

With queens that can grow to two inches long, Asian giant hornets can use mandibles shaped like spiked shark fins to wipe out a honeybee hive in a matter of hours, decapitating the bees and flying away with the thoraxes to feed their young. For larger targets, the hornet’s potent venom and stinger — long enough to puncture a beekeeping suit — make for an excruciating combination that victims have likened to hot metal driving into their skin.

Oh good. Here’s a look at the charming Asian giant hornets who have now been dubbed “murder hornets”:

America: 2020 can’t get any worse

Murder hornets: hold our 🍺 pic.twitter.com/JYuITKoAB4

— Nerdist (@nerdist) May 2, 2020

Now I know how this all comes off as first blush. “2020 has taken Kobe Bryant from us, taken jobs from us, hit us with the worst pandemic ever that’s taken and irreparably changed entirely too many American lives….and NOW WE HAVE MURDER HORNETS??” It’s not an inspiring trend, I’ll give you that. I’ll even go so far as to say that I would deeply prefer not feeling as though I have “hot metal driven into my skin” if one were to ever sting me.

However! What is our great nation about if not welcoming people from all parts of the globe here in their pursuits of happiness? Ellis Island allowed in my family decades ago and many of ours in their quest to build a better life. And, sure, our country hasn’t done the best with Asian imports lately. But I’ll be damned if this tough run we’re on as a people affects our values. We are fortunate enough to live in the land of opportunity and that opportunity HAS to be there for everyone and every thing for us to truly live up to the promise these here United States offer up.

So for that reason: Allow me to be the first to extend a warm welcome to our dignified murder hornet guests. May they remember this bit of civility and warmth when their quest for bloodletting begins.

Also if the Charlotte Hornets want to turn things around, you’d have to think “Charlotte Murder Hornets” would make up for whatever deficiencies they currently have in roster construction. If you want to see Devonte Graham turn into Michael Jordan, getting “Murder” above their usual Hornets jersey branding seems like the PED route to make that happen. Makes you even sadder the XFL is gone, you just know they’d have leaned in on this one for a 2021 expansion team.

(Asian giant hornet image via Wikimedia Commons)