The Definitive Jake Paul vs. Ben Askren Betting Guide (for people over 30)

COVID got you down? Haven’t left your house in months? Nothing to do on a Saturday night? Fear not, we have the latest in what seems to be a never ending series of P.T. Barnum-style celebrity boxing matches taking place this Saturday, April 17 as professional vlogger Jake Paul squares off against former wrestler and recovering hip surgery patient, Ben Askren. If, like me you have no idea what’s goin on with these modern day celebrities, its very important to have some action on the fight if you’re going to watch it. Let’s dig in and pick a winner.

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Jake Paul vs Ben Askren: Important Fight Questions and Betting Pick

Who the F is Logan Paul?

Fear not, people over 30 years old, I’m here to answer the question for you. Basically one can’t really understand Jake Paul without his brother Logan as a frame of reference, because Jake Paul probably wouldn’t be a thing if it wasn’t for Logan.

If you’re like me, you know of Logan Paul because it’s impossible not to, but also don’t know who Logan Paul is, because why on earth would you possibly give the slightest shit? It’s like the Kardashians — never watched the show, could pick them all out of a lineup.

Logan Paul, just the basic facts:

• Full of himself YouTube star / vlogger who has a crew. They film themselves  doing stupid shit like opening Pokemon card packs or eating pancakes filled with gun powder or whatever. Johnny Knoxville is a thinking man’s Logan Paul.
• Made fun of suicide in Japanese forest – how many of us came know of him in the first place. Bill Simmons did a pod. Honestly, the blow up here was ridiculous. Made fun of is strong language – didn’t take seriously enough? He was an idiot kid. You know what idiot kids do? Stupid things. Learn from it, move on.
• Participated in the Tide Pod Challenge.
• Tasered a bunch of dead rats for some reason, once.
• Is worth $20+ million (burn it all down).
• Once married to Tana Mongeau. That sounds like a made up name. We’re basically just all living that Family Guy bit (they literally use the name “Lombard Montague” as one of their fake teen stars).

Who the F is Jake Paul?

Logan’s dipshit younger brother, endlessly embroiled in controversy. Check out his rap sheet on Wikipedia, its like 8,000 words long. I’ve picked out the highlights below. He’s basically a young Donald Trump at this point.

Jake Paul, the best of:

• Fired from Disney Channel for pissing off his neighbors. They would later file a class-action lawsuit.
• Created fraudulent school for YouTube stars. Honestly if you were dumb enough to pay $20 a month for this, well…
• Shilled for something called MysteryBrand which gave people prizes if they paid a fee, but then they never got the prizes.
• Threw a massive non-mask party at the height of COVID.
• COVID denier.
• Accused of sexual assault.

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How punchable is Jake Paul’s face?

On the Pharma Bro Martin Shkreli to Nelson Mandela punchable face matrix, where does Jake Paul rank for you? 

For me, given the transgressions listed above and the just smarmy look on his face, its high. Him and Shkreli are basically interchangeable. If you showed me a picture of Shkreli right now, I’d probably mistakenly identify him as Jake Paul and have to fight on an irresistible urge to tear your stupid picture to shreds. Just look at this goofball.

But maybe you were raised on Logan Paul YouTube videos and Jake Paul Vines, and you want to cheer for him and the fam. Fire it up. I’ve liked far worse people in my day. Woody Allen comes to mind. So no judgement. 

Can we get a Jake Paul vs. Woody Allen fight, btw? I’d throw down on Paul.

Who the F is Ben Askren?

No one cares. 

He’s either the guy who you want to punch Jake Paul’s face in, or the guy you want Jake Paul to beat. A non-entity. Remember the guy who did those Pizza Hut commercials after Mike Tyson got out of jail for rape and needed someone to hammer on for 38 seconds? 

Now, Askren might actually beat Paul here, I have no god damned idea and anyone telling you they do is Vegas Dave level full of shit, but he’s your guy if you’re in the “Jake Paul’s face is very punchable crowd.

Why should you watch this fight?

You Shouldn’t. Don’t do it. Skype your Grandma instead. It’s $49.95 for chrissake. That’s a lot of money to shill out for non-event that belongs more on TMZ than ESPN.

…Unless… you’re betting on it. 

And that’s what makes betting so great. Take an otherwise mundane event and make it fun. Also it’s kind of fascinating to be a part of the youth zeitgeist sometimes, am I right? Actively participate in the goings of society? How you doing, fellow kids?

Paul vs Askren Betting Pick

Tough one here. Jake does have a couple fights under his belt and he is 2-0 in them, while Askren is basically a wrestler, stepping into the right for the first time. Smart money is on Paul here, but I’m here for the entertainment value and the rooting interest.

Gimmie the juice here, with Askren and the punchable face narrative at +140. 

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