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NHL Great Pavel Datsyuk & Covid-Denying Priest Occupy Monastery, Take on Russian Government?

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Whether this story ends with Pavel Datsyuk, one of the NHL’s “100 Greatest Players,” holed up in a Russian monastery with a madman, or happily vacationing at his cottage, the important thing to remember is that we’ve all been so warped that a story like this just falls into the “oh, that makes sense” pile. This one has violence, mystery, cops, national guard, pandemic, mysterious blonde government operatives … stick with me, we’re about to get weird.

This is a story very much in question. For one, the original report came from Russia Today, or RT as many know them. Depending on how you get your news and what information you’ve shared on Facebook, you’ve no doubt seen RT stories in some form, and you might be able to tell that they’re at best manipulative. At worst, they’re propaganda directly from the information services in the Russian government. This is a state-run media outlet, so everything should be taken with a grain of salt.

Now that that’s out of the way, holy shit, you guys! Look at this craziness! Leave it to the Russian media to hook us with a story that combines a little element of multiple stories going on in the U.S. today.

Dastyuk returned to Russia in 2016 after a 15-year career with the Red Wings, and it seems like he has made some strange friends. The religious leader at the center of this issue is a former police officer who served a 13-year jail term for murder and now goes by “Shiigumen” or “high priest” Sergius. In recent days Sergius is reported to have led an uprising that took over the Ekaterinburg Central Urals Monastery, and he is now holed up inside.

Sergius allegedly took issue with the Russian government which had shut down religious services in the area after his group had been spreading false narratives about the spread of COVID-19. Sergius is reported to have said that the disease is a “pseudo-pandemic” and was “created to insert microchips in us all.”

So Pavel Datsyuk’s priest is the Russian Aubrey Huff. Got it.

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Following positive commentary about the lunatic priest in previous editions, RT either made up or sourced that Datsyuk was holed up in the monastery as well, as they reported on Wednesday night. For his part, it seems undeniable that Datsyuk does have a relationship with Sergius, going so far as to say “Father Sergius has been my spiritual father for more than 10 years. [He] has a burning, loving heart, he sees me through and through,” and also referred to him as “very strict, but also very kind.”

The two-time Stanley Cup winner and four-time Lady Byng Sportsmanship Award winner allegedly joined the crazed cleric in taking over the monastery and barricading themselves inside in protest. The area was alleged to be off-limits to government personnel and “guarded by Cossacks loyal to Sergius.” That last phrase is somewhat loaded and makes me suspicious of RT’s motives with this reporting.

Sportswriter and author of The Russian Five, Keith Gave, reported a very different location for the NHL great later on Wednesday.

Sergius, who was due to be in Church court — is this only a thing in Russia? Is there Church court everywhere and I’m just hearing about it? If we swear on a bible in regular court, what do we swear on in Church court? I have so many questions — on June 26 to face charges related to his rumor spreading and disobeying organizational superiors.

When he granted local journalists an interview, Sergius took them on a tour of the monastery, notably his own room. When a reporter asked why the cleric had decorated his room with paintings of Rasputin, Nicholas II and one of history’s greatest monsters, Joseph Stalin, Sergius said that Stalin had “destroyed sodomy and lifted up the nation.” So he’s got a lot of interesting ideas beyond virology.

He is also reported to have told journalists “I’m not going anywhere. They’ll have to chase me out with police and the National Guard.” Which reads like a quote that was cooked up in about 15 seconds by RT propagandists looking to get something to go viral in a United States where “police” and “National Guard” are pretty popular search terms at the moment. It’s important to note that Pavel Datsyuk was neither seen nor heard from during the tour.

Sergius is also reported to be the former trusted priest of a fixture in the area’s branch of the Russian government: MP and former prosecutor Natalia Poklonskaya, information which could send this story in any number of directions.

Poklonskaya is a favorite of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, with Putin awarding her the military rank of Judicial Counselor 3, equivalent to a Major General. Poklonskaya spent several years as Putin’s right hand serving as the Prosecutor General in Crimea prior to Russia’s annexation of the Ukrainian territory, helping Putin galvanize power behind the scenes. Poklonskaya was “elected” to serve as an MP and is a rising star in Russian government. She has also been sanctioned by the European Union and is one of Ukraine’s Most Wanted. Which is a show I would absolutely watch. Can we get Liam Neeson to host? I’m sure we can work Pavel Datsyuk in, we only know about these people because of him after all.

For reasons both obvious and awful, Poklonskaya is a popular figure on the internet. She was a viral sensation in Russia and China the last few years, with numerous memes and anime characters and other content in the darker corners of the internet featuring the blonde puppet of fascism. By far the most popular is a YouTube video with more than 43 million views.

Trust me, watch this one. It’s b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Obviously we’re going to hear a bit more about this one before the Russian government ends it, probably in the exact way we’re thinking. No, not that cool dance with the folded arms where they squat and kick their legs out.

Remember when Pavel Datsyuk was just a really good two-way NHL star?

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