Monkeys are Stealing COVID-19 Test Samples Now

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5 years ago

Sky News – A gang of monkeys attacked a laboratory assistant and escaped with a batch of coronavirus blood test samples, it has been reported.

The bizarre incident saw the troop of primates launch their assault near Meerut Medical College in Delhi, India. According to local media, the animals then snatched COVID-19 blood test samples that had been taken from three patients and fled.

One of the monkeys was later spotted in a tree chewing one of the sample collection kits, the Times of India reported – adding that test samples from the patients had to be taken again. It is the latest example of the highly intelligent, red-faced rhesus macaques taking advantage of India’s nationwide lockdown to combat the spread of coronavirus.

What in the actual fuck is going on in the world? This is like an entire Billy Joel song in five months. Now we’ve got some klepto monkeys stealing Covid-19 test samples in India. This is one of those things that can’t be good. It might not be bad, but it definitely can’t be good. This is live betting third period over/unders in minor league hockey. Can’t be good.

We’ve seen this happen before, you know. The 1995 cinematic classic ‘Outbreak’ with Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, and Morgan Freeman. Straight from the IMDB page.

“Army doctors struggle to find a cure for a deadly virus spreading throughout a California town that was brought to America by an African monkey.”

I know India is not in Africa, just want to get that out of the way before the comments roll in. Worst-case scenario? Monkeys in India become infected, it somehow develops into a new strain of coronavirus, and reinfects the entire world. Sounds ominous.

Best case scenario? We never talk about this again.

By the way, I have seen the movie ‘Outbreak’ and I know I didn’t watch it on my own. We actually saw it in school when I was somewhere between the ages of 10-13. I was completely fine going about my life not worrying about dying of a deadly disease at the time and then I get to school for like a pizza party and it turns out we are watching this shit. This film scared me greatly. I DO NOT recommend for children. It’s also rated R. I have no idea how we watched this in school.

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